(In)adequacy

Photo by Taylor Harding on Unsplash

Men are stricken with feelings of inadequacy. Driven by a primordial need to protect and provide, we often hear criticism of our efforts as, “You’re not doing enough” or, even more brutal,

“You are not enough.”

Our need to feel adequate is a deeply powerful motivator capable of delivering a crushing blow when unmet.

When our best efforts to prove ourselves fail, we don’t it take it well. Criticism, judgment or a simple sharing of another’s unmet need cuts us to our core. It triggers us and sometimes leads to a response that is less than or even far from ideal. Depending on our amount of (or lack of) self-awareness, energy can go sideways. Quickly. Defensiveness, lashing out and other counter-productive behaviors take hold, turning the firm foundation under our feet to sinking sand and wreaking havoc on our closest relationships.

Men- our work is not to tell ourselves we will always fall short and run ourselves into the ground trying anyway. Our work is not to play the victim. Our work is to become so in tune with ourselves, our motivations, and our emotional reactions that criticism can be met with patience, curiosity and compassion. Our work is to understand that perceived shortcomings from others are not a final judgment on our character or our abilities.

Your Call to Action

Notice when and where your sense of adequacy feels under attack and pay close attention to how you respond. Study your response. Be curious. Ask how you can honor both your need to feel adequate and the need countering it.

Partner with a coach who can reflect back your experience, point out blind spots, and walk alongside you as you continue to dig deeper.